The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
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Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
describing stardew valley
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.