Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
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Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I will never stop laughing at this
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.