your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*