How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
2 years later
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”