Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
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Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
just having fun
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans