If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
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Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.