“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
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Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
our love story in four pictures
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.