So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
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Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer