AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
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Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.