[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
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Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman