I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
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I’ve been learning to cook.
Am I having a stroke?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.