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BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
plant them where lol
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
🤭😂
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.