I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
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Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Weirdos gonna weird.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
#MeanwhileinCanada