the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Cause of death: Zumba
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.