I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
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Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Coffee is ready.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
You deplete me
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
some cats are just doing for fun!
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.