Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come