Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
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You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
i dont have time for this