My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
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My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I’m confused about plants
hey, alexa
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.