Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
My dad is at it again
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?