ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
shit just got real
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH