Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
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me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.