One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
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They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future