the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.