If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature