The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
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[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?