Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
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10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I had to Stop for this
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said