If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
You Might Also Like
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
The answer is funnier than the question
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Pickled cat.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Not today.. 😂
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Blew out my flip flop…
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
In case you needed to hear it:
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life