I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive