How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
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The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.