Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.