What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro