If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
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a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.