As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
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I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot