It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
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HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
the last thing a carrot sees
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.