REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
security at the airport getting more straightforward
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Mood.. 😂
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.