Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Omg 🤣
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out