Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
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The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I love it all
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Alexa: *deep breath*
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.