“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
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To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!