“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
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My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Lmao
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.