“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
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What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything