My sex drive has a dui
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I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I love you…
…r dog.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”