“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
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Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair