Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
This hospital has everything
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot