If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
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I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Look at this
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
True statement👍😏😁
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Match dot com, but for socks.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I have a black belt in leather
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Finally! 😈
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”