Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
You Might Also Like
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
The Assassin.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.