Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it