I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended