i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
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[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Customer is always right
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes