Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
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[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??