Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
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[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My typo game is string.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.